Friday, March 16, 2012

FREE BOOK : Get Your Lazy Buns Off of That Couch!!

"I bet my life sucks worse than yours does!!!!"

"Get Your Lazy Buns Off of That Couch”!!!

The story of your life is written one page at a time. Take a step forward towards your future today.

(Reformatted from the PDF version and print enlarged for the narrow minded).

Mark R. Winkle 

What Am I Going To Do Today?
"Getting Your Lazy Buns Off of That Couch"
The story of your life is written one page at a time. Take a step forward towards your future today.
Mark R. Winkle
Copyright 2010
All rights reserved. 

This book is dedicated to you. You are the future of this planet. You are a very special part of this world. You might not believe it right now. Your life is in a ditch. Your wheels have fallen off. Take a step into my life and compare it with yours. I bet that my life sucks worse than your life does. I know you are hurting right now. This book is for all of you who have suffered a loss. I've walked in your shoes. Take a walk in mine. Be careful not to step in sh.. , it's my best pair.
For my parents, thank you for all you did for me while you were still alive.
I'm glad I was born. I'm honored to be your son!
You taught me well. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
George W. Winkle Jr. September 20, 1926 - January 12, 2000
Doreen A. Winkle (Myers) April 19, 1933 - October 13, 2000

This is the shortest introduction you will ever read. This is a book of possibilities. Open your mind and take a trip with me. Let’s go, get off that couch! Get out the door and get on with your life!!! Life gets better or worse depending on what you do about it. I've been through hell and been burnt so badly that I came close to ending it all. I wanted to see what was on the other side. But, to tell you the truth, I was afraid that this life was all there is. Until someone proves me wrong, I'm staying here, for better or worse. I'm going out swinging!!! Take a step into my life, won't you? Turn the page...... 

Chapter 1
Getting My Engine Started

      I’m awake already! I shout to no one. I live by myself, for now. I bought this house, thinking that my fiancĂ© of almost seven years would want to marry me, she didn’t. Fear of Commitment, go figure. So here I lay, being out of work for ten months, not wanting to get up and face another monotonous day. They say each day is different. I say prove it. Most days I have to look at a calendar to see what day it is. I’m sure my life is supposed to have a purpose, maybe writing this book is mine. Obviously, writing the other three books weren’t my purpose. I wrote one book on making God your first priority; the book agents wouldn’t touch it.   I’ve written two others, part of a series, The Book of Truth, but I’m kind of gun shy after the major rejection I received on the first book, especially from Christian book agents. I kind of thought they would appreciate a hard core honest look at modern Christianity in America. I guess it was too honest for them.
      My son talked me into going back to school. It’s been twenty three years since I was in a class room. Thank God, this summer all my classes are self- paced or online. Too much time to think! Too much time on my hands, hey wasn’t that an old song, from long ago? I’ve forgotten who wrote it. If you remember, tell a friend and have them tell a friend and so on. When it gets back to me, I’ll remember it until some other tidbit of information or other memory kicks it out of my short term memory.       My son is amazed at how much I remember. I guess that’s the definition of genius, a lot of knowledge about a little of everything. When he wants to know some obscure fact, he asks me. I’m well read, high IQ and available. I have the time. Life is just passing me by. What would you do if you were me?
      That’s why I’m writing this book. I’m good at telling other people what they should be doing, and then I sit down and read a good book, or at least look at a good book, or watch a movie. Unfortunately, they aren’t all good. Let’s be honest, you picked this book up for someone else, and that you think is lazy. Maybe it’s your son or daughter, or your couch potato husband or wife. Maybe you’re depressed wondering if life is worth living. I can’t answer that, still trying to figure that one out myself. Someone keeps moving the goalposts on me.
      So, here I lay at 8:00 am. half awake, a third of the world is going to work or school, and here I lay. My kidneys finally make the choice for me. I do my business and go back to bed. My kitten “Susie” , who I’ve had for just a week or so keeps me awake long enough for me to tell her to go back to sleep. She doesn’t. She goes out to the kitchen to play with her toys. I nod off back to sleep until sometime between 10 am. and 1 pm. Time doesn’t matter that much when you don’t have a schedule. By the way, does anyone know where the volume switch is located for those damn birds that wake up chirping at four am.?
      I finally get up, stumble into the bathroom and take a shower. What am I going to do today? What am I going to do to keep myself from watching the paint peel off of these walls?
      What am I going to do to keep my sanity? I can only play with the kitten so long. I can only watch so many movies. I can only go to our small library Tuesdays through Saturday and use the internet so often. I can only read so many books. I can only do so much college homework! Calgon, take me away!!!
      When I had work, I delivered trucks of all kind all over the United States. My safety record was impressive. I drove over 800,000 safe miles in nine years with no accidents. The economy tanked. Banks stopped loaning money. Trucks new and used weren’t being bought as often.   My contract as an independent contractor was canceled. So much for being on top of the world! The money was great. The time on the road took a great toll on my relationship with my two kids. And, one of the first things that went when I lost my contract was cable TV. Not much on but junk, filler shows anyway. I only had a few favorite shows anyway. They forced everyone to switch to “Digital TV”, and I didn’t even buy that stupid box. So, thank God for the little things. I don’t waste my time on television and you shouldn’t either. Unless you are still in the sixth grade, you are too smart to waste your time watching other people have a life!
      Okay, so now I’m up. I get breakfast, cereal again, just because it’s easy. I feed the kitten, because by now she’s driving me nuts meowing at me to feed her, let her out, let her in, let her drive, let her climb on me, let her take over the world already. Enough, here’s your food and water. There, five minutes of peace and quiet.     Now, what do I do with the rest of my day? Remember, I haven’t got cable or satellite television to waste my time on, and neither should you. Your money is better spent on gas for your car, or a car payment, depending on how high your cable or satellite TV bill is.
      I’m too tired to exercise, and that would just wake me up further. This deal of no pain, no gain just doesn’t sound like a lot of fun to me at all. Every time I exercise, I hurt. I’ve lost over a hundred pounds in the last ten months since I got off the road, just by cutting out a lot of junk food. I know I would lose more if I exercised, but I just can’t intentionally hurt myself. If I could get a great massage from a beautiful blonde or brunette after every exercise session I wouldn’t miss too many. I’m down to 258 from 368 and still losing now that it’s July and in the 90’s and humidity is near 80 plus percent or more. Summers in Ohio are hot and humid.
      I could walk down to the store, but if I did, I would just buy junk food. Kind of defeats the purpose of exercise. I started to go back to my former weight lifting training last week. I guess I over did it. The next day I felt three long spasms grabbing my right chest and back. I felt like I was having a heart attack. I got home and the room was going in and out. My brain went, what the heck is going on? Major back strain. A NOTE OF CAUTION: If you intend to exercise, start slow and work up. Add a little each couple of days. Even if it’s only a hundred more steps than yesterday. GET OFF THAT COUCH, AND DO SOMETHING!!!!
      So, what do we do? Well, we are in this together. So, let’s get started. Take a shower. Do your business. Get dressed and get your tennis shoes on. It’s going to be a long day. Twenty four hours long or so, every day for the rest of your life. Oh, what I would give to be a cat. I could lay around sixteen hours a day, eat, poop, and sleep, wake up and start all over again. If wishes were horses.....
      Okay, so, I’m not a cat, and neither are you. I don’t watch television, so what can I do today? I suppose we could kill several hours writing a list of things I’d like to do. Then I could get realistic after my dream ended an hour from now and the fantasy was over. I would have wasted an hour dreaming and still not done anything positive with my day. So, let’s write a list of a thousand or more things that we could do that would remove a little stress from our lives and maybe help someone else out, even if only by accident as a result.
Let’s make sure we’re on the same page now. TURN OFF THE TELEVISION, GET DRESSED AND GET YOUR SHOES ON, NOW!!!!
I'm not going to tell you twice!!! Quit your whining and do it.
If you see that I somehow missed something on our list, let me and others know, it could be the secret to true happiness for the world, you never know! Or, It could just be crap. Either way you've lost weight getting it out!
1. Turn off the television.
2. Turn off the radio.
3. Get dressed.
4. Make yourself breakfast so you have energy to keep moving.
5. Comb or brush your hair, even down there.
6. Brush your teeth if you have them.
7. Put your false teeth in if you have them.
8. Put makeup on if you look that homely that you really need it, but remember you may break a sweat.
9. Clean your ears.
10. Put your shoes and socks on.
11. Get ready to leave your house or apartment.
12. Open the door, step outside, close and lock your door behind you. Make sure you have your keys before you close the door!!!!
13. Look around, this is the outside, you may not recognize it.
14. Decide if you are going to walk, drive, or ride your bike.
15. Make sure you have identification and some money with you.
16. Pick a direction.
17. Start moving in that direction.
18. Remember that this is supposed to be fun, not work.
19. You could go to the gym.
20. You could go swimming at the pool.
21. You could go on a bike ride.
22. You could go on a picnic.
23. You could volunteer at a local nursing home.
24. You could volunteer at a local hospital.
25. You could go to the library and check out books to read.
26. I could go to college and finish my homework assignments and turn them in. Oh, this is supposed to be fun!!
27. You could go for a drive in the country.
28. You could visit a friend.
29. You could wash my car.
30. You could mow my lawn front and back.
31. You could get and read my mail, and then throw it away.
32. You could donate blood.
33. You could donate plasma.
34. You could donate food or clothes to the local food pantry.
35. You could clean your garage if you have one.
36. You could weed eat your fence rows and then do mine.
37. You could plant a garden.
38. You could paint your fence.
39. You could paint your house and then paint mine.
40. You could learn to type.
41. You could take a class or five.
42. You could learn to play an instrument.
43. You could go house or apartment hunting.
44. You could go window shopping.
45. You could go skateboarding.
46. You could go ice skating.
47. You could go rollerblading, or roller skating.
48. You could stop by and give me a massage.
49. You could get your hair cut or styled.
50. You could clean out one closet or room today, and then another one next week.
51. You could wash, dry, and put the dishes up.
52. You could do you laundry. Remember to separate towels, colors, and fabrics.
53. You could read to a child.
54. You could volunteer at a school.
55. You could volunteer at a fire station.
56. You could learn CPR.
57. You could make conversation with a stranger and possibly make a friend.
58. You could send me all of your money and end your life.
59. You could make me the sole heir of your will. Leave each of your children $1.00.They will do just fine.
60. Take some time today to look out on the rest of the world and shout, "What the --- are you doing?
61. You could do yoga.
62. You could start writing a book at the library. Get your lazy - - - - out of the house!!!
63. You could write me a letter telling me what you think of me.
64. You could send me pictures of yourself and give me something to think about (or laugh at).
65. You could jump off of a cliff.
66. You could shuffle off to Buffalo.
67. You could turn over an old leaf.
68. You could smell better.
69. You could take pictures of yourself and send them to me.
70. You could kill yourself.
71. You could ........ (I left this one for you, my friend).
72. What you do next is finish this book today and get on with your life already!!!
Let me walk you through my every day boring life so you can compare your pile of crap to mine and see whose stack is taller. Maybe your life isn't as bad as you thought it was. Maybe it's worse than mine is, but you are probably at least having sex every now and then. 

Chapter 2
Losing My House Really Sucked
      Life is funny. It's been awhile since I wrote anything for this book. Since I began, I have lost my house. The college that I was going to, Clark State Community College in Springfield, Ohio messed up my student loan and I missed one stinking lousy payment on my Land Contract and I lost my house. I took the jerk to court for all of the repairs that I have made on the house. My case sits on a crooked judges' desk waiting for hell to freeze over so she can cover up the other guys' fraud.
      I live in Clark County, Ohio the home of many crooked judges, both on the Common Pleas courts and the Municipal Court. If you want your client to get off of a crime you slip the judge a $100 check for their "re- election" fund.
      Losing my house really sucked!! I tried really hard to make the payments. My daughter and son helped out quite a lot. But my two brothers, one who lives out in Las Vegas, NV and the other that lives in Dayton, Ohio wouldn't help me save my house. They wasted tens of thousands of dollars paying off their credit card bills instead. I haven't spoken to either of them since I lost my house. My brother in Vegas is a big time psychologist. He was always telling everyone else how they should live their lives. What a waste of hot air! The other one is living in welfare housing and lying to the slumlord about how much he is earning.
      I see my daughter more often than my son. If she hadn't helped me move out of my house, you would not be reading this. It would have burnt up in my house with me in it. I was born and raised in that house, and it ripped my heart out to lose it. I had promised my parents that if I ever got the house back into our family that I would fix it up and keep it in the family, in honor of their memory. Two weeks ago I finally found the courage to go to their grave sites and tell them that I was sorry that I failed them. I knew they understood how sad I felt.
      My parents bought that house in 1951 when it was first built. It was the third house on the block. They both lived in that house until they both passed in the year 2000. My father died of a massive heart attack. My mother stopped taking her diabetes medication and died of grief. I miss them more every day. My dad knew he was going to die. He had a blood clot in his stomach for over a year. When he caught pneumonia and started coughing it came loose. He was seventy three. He wanted to live long enough to see the turn of the century. He made it by twelve days. My mom, God bless her heart, was a Sunday School teacher for three and four year old children for most of her adult life. She was a Licensed Practical Nurse mostly in nursing homes, since 1968. She worked nights and my dad worked days. He worked in a foundry machining large cutting blades for paper pulp cutting machinery. He once won an award for machining a cutting plate to within one millionth of an inch of tolerance. The company closed down, cut off his health benefits and moved to Austria (Barrett- Browning).
      My father once helped save a man's life, only to see him die from a second jolt of electricity. It forever changed his life. He was chased by a fireball across the wet grass and thrown onto the pavement over seventy five feet. He had burns on his palms, knees, and heels where the electricity had run out of him. The other man that was helping him to save the electrocuted man received severe burns over most of his body. He bears the scars that looking death in the face and laughing can bring you.
       I myself have almost died over a hundred times. I have had the center of my face rebuilt by a skilled plastic surgeon name Dr. Aftab Butt (I kid you not.) My face bent the steering wheel flat and pushed a small bone within one quarter of an inch of my brain. I wanted to die, honestly I did.
      I have come within a tenth of a second of being in over a thousand major accidents when I was a truck driver. I fell out of a truck and landed on my back and neck and suffered only muscle bruising. I have had every injury imposed upon me except being stabbed or shot, and I have no doubt that I would survive even those perils upon my life. I have driven through hurricanes, floods, tornadoes, blizzards, mudslides, and I am still alive. I once knew a proctologist (butt doctor) who was "gay". He had a sign in the front yard of his office, "Patient's Entrance In Rear". I'll leave you to ponder that for a while…… lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
Okay, now I'm back.
I have seen life's' ups and downs. I have seen hundreds of thousands of people living their daily lives in misery just hoping for a break. If God would only get up off of his - - - and help them, they would have a better life. If you would only get up off of your - - - you would have a better life and so would everyone around you. This garbage of God helps those who help themselves really pisses me off.
Prove to me there is or there isn't a God one way or the other before you make excuses as to why your life can't get better. I'll wait........... tick, tick, tick, ..... have you proved it yet? No?
      The only way your life is worse than mine is if your penis got cut off and thrown over a cliff and a bear ran off with it and ate them and your ear is in the center of your forehead and you married the woman of your dreams only to find out that she was a he and she was now a lesbian and didn't want to cook or clean and only wanted to watch talk shows on television instead of having sex with you and she had sex with your entire family except you and the wheels fell off your car and ran over you as you were trying to chase it and you crashed into a tree and your face bent the steering wheel flat and it killed you!!! At least you got to marry the woman of your dreams. Every woman that I ever wanted to marry, was attached, engaged, a lesbian, or married. Now, whose life sucks more, yours or mine?
      I wish I could tell you that your life couldn't get any worse, but I can't. I have to be honest. I mean, let's be realistic. I mean, you have never fully lived until you have had scabs ripped off of the insides of you sinuses three times a week for six weeks after having your nose bones drilled out as a result of a steering wheel flattening your nose against your face and breaking your nose into forty nine pieces that were cemented together after your car jumped a ditch and hit a tree head on after sliding down an ice covered hill for a quarter mile that a bumpkin failed to plow in the month of January because it was cold outside and he didn't want to drive his snow plow in it that day because then he would have to wash it the next day.
      Oh, by the way. You're probably wondering what happened to my kitten. I gave her to my daughter to take care of. After all, she did pay for Suzie's surgery that saved her life. I miss her dearly. I miss parts of my old life. I miss the money that I was making. I miss the freedom that I had. I miss the traveling and meeting all of you strange and wonderful people that make up this shitty world. I miss getting laid. I miss kissing beautiful women. I miss being in love. I miss having hope for this world. I miss knowing what to do and why I should do it. I used to have faith in my fellow man, but greed took that away. I used to believe in justice but crooked judges took that away. I used to believe in fair play, but I have been crapped on by everyone that I ever trusted in my life. But still, maybe tomorrow will suck less than today. Maybe I will get laid. Sometimes life is like sitting in the bottom of a two story outhouse with an open hole above your head. Get the picture? 

Chapter 3
The Holidays of Misery

      This is the weekend after Thanksgiving. I spent Thanksgiving Day by myself watching Christmas videos and wondering where my life went wrong. This has been the worst year of my life, so far. My Daughter Sara came over around eight o'clock and we went out to see a movie. It was about a girl who had magical hair that could heal wounds. Her mother had locked her into a tower in the woods. Maybe you remember the story of Rapunzel. After the movie we went back to my one bedroom apartment and talked for awhile. She started a part time job bundling newspapers six hours a day and delivering routes that didn't have carriers. She worked most of this week in the cold rain. I've done that job and it's not fun. She got the job through a temporary job agency. It's a temporary job agency, because for the nine dollars an hour working out in all kinds of weather, most people don't last long. I lasted two weeks on that job.
Today, the Sunday after Thanksgiving, I received a call from my ex- fiancée. She wanted to know how I was. She was surprised to hear that I lost the house. I explained to her that I bought the house for the two of us. I told her that everyone that I thought that I could depend on bailed on me. I told her that because I missed one payment, I lost my house that I was trying to buy on land contract. Only my two children helped me keep the house as long as I did, and I thank them for that. My son doesn't understand why I didn't show up at Thanksgiving dinner at my ex- wife's house. I only showed up once in the past, and it wasn't any fun being there, it never was. I feel sorry for my two children that they are part of a growing number of children that celebrate holidays with only one parent, usually the mother. My ex- wife always wants to run the show. Well, she can run it without me or my blessing.
      It was nice to hear my ex- girlfriends' soft tender voice. But we are still miles apart from getting back together. She still uses caller ID when she calls me from her mother's house. She probably wanted me to come over a take her Christmas shopping and ask to borrow some money, but I have decided to not celebrate any more holidays. They are just one more boring lonely day that reminds you how sad your life is.
      It is the end of November and I have only bought one present. It's for my daughter. She is the only person that wants nothing from me but my love and friendship. We sometimes are thinking the same thoughts. I tell her, "Great minds think alike". We have a good
long laugh. It's nice to see her grow into a self confident young woman after living with a mentally ill mother all of these years. She is my pride and joy. Oh, I know. Every parent has their favorite child. But that is because that child wants to spend time with that parent. Every one wants and needs to be wanted by someone.    Even stray dogs and cats want and need to be loved and cared for by someone. Without someone in your life that shows you that they love you, your spirit and your will to live die a slow and painful death.
      My present to my daughter is my time and my wisdom. It is also a Hot Chocolate Kit with two cups and of course, hot chocolate mix. She spied it on top of a cupboard a couple of weeks ago.
      I got a job at one of those MART places. It's the letter after "J”. Don't tell anyone. It's owned by some English billionaire that couldn't care less about his employees. I even had to buy my own "uniform" pants and shirts because the company is too cheap to supply them. That was thirty five dollars out of my pocket even before I started work. NO ONE smiles at work, except one lady and I think she's on Prozac. It's either that or she's flirting with me and wants to get laid by an older man. If she makes a move, I'm there. It is not a happy place to work. We make five cents more than minimum wage. The taco company employees make more than I do. I unload the truck when it comes in, mostly by myself. I don't mind though. The useless gay guys that this place has working her can barely lift their cock without straining themselves. This generation has no work ethic.
      Our store was even open on Thanksgiving Day. Imagine that, a store being open for business on Thanksgiving. How thankful do you think the employees are that had to work? They busted their cute female buns to get the store ready for the holiday shopping season, and this is the thanks they get.
      On the day after Thanksgiving the "Season of Greed" began. Several of the female employees told me that they had been cussed at and threatened. Several customers stole merchandise rather than paying for it. Most of our customers left their shopping carts in the parking lot instead of bringing them back into the store. The store was a mess. Myself and several other employees were asked to take a shopping cart and tour the store for misplaced merchandise. Many customers had changed their minds about purchasing something and just "dropped it off" where ever they happened to be at the time. Fortunately the store hired five employees for third shift to help "clean up" the store merchandise and the shelves every night. I
have never seen so many selfish, rude, and inconsiderate customers in my life. People were even waiting when the store opened to "grab" specially marked down merchandise that had been previously marked up. There were even a few arguments among customers. The other "MART" company, that starts with, oh, you know who I mean, the Chinese merchandise company, had sales starting at midnight. So, if you absolutely wanted to beat everyone else at being greedy, you could race to the cashier with your greedy items by 12:05 am the day after Thanksgiving Day, and be greedier than anyone else in the United States for a few seconds. What an achievement. Your grandparents would be so proud of you. You save a few dollars on something that you don't need, that the person that you bought it for will question your sanity, and definitely your moral values.
      The only happy people that I saw that day were the bell ringers standing outside the store raising money for needy children. I gave them the two dollar tip that I received for loading merchandise into a lady's car. The children deserve to see their parents act better than this. After all, this is supposed to be a "Season of Giving", not a "Season of Greed".
      And you wonder why I've given up on holidays. I have more fun staying at home than fighting the rest of the world for a few moments of peace on earth. I wish you would all go away on the holidays and leave me to enjoy myself, in peace and quiet.
      What do I want for Christmas you ask? I want Christmas to be celebrated in August. After all, that is when Christ was supposed to be born. The Christmas that the rest of you celebrate was a Druid holiday that was taken over by the Catholic Church after they killed all of those that refused to convert to Christianity. Hell of a way to start celebrating Christmas huh? Let's kill all those that don't believe the way that we do and take over their holiday.
      I want stores to stop holding sales the day after Thanksgiving Day, and also be closed on Thanksgiving Day too. I want the GREED taken out of the holiday season. And, most of all, I want to be married again. If not this year, then next year. I want to have started a second family with my new wife before the next holiday season; with a child a year until my quiver is full. Holidays, after all are for giving and sharing our love for one another. It is unfortunate that the way that most people think this should be done is by giving things that must be purchased at a store, instead of giving of themselves or their time to show that love to one another. Maybe someone else will marry me before next year. I would hate to spend Christmas and New Years Day all alone again. Santa, are you listening? This is what I really want for Christmas. If you can
place one of these ladies in my bed, with my ring on their finger I would once again truly believe you really do exist. But if you can't, I understand. After all, maybe it's just too hard for you to do (any smart beautiful lady of your choice). I've given up on being happy at Christmas, maybe you can change that.
      I've tried for the past two months to get into the holiday spirit. I didn't celebrate Halloween, didn't even give out candy. I didn't celebrate Thanksgiving either. Nothing really to be thankful for. I've seen dozens of old Christmas movies, heard hundreds of Christmas songs, but without someone to come home to, I just can't be happy about another boring lonely holiday season being spent by myself.
Happy New Year to me! Well, maybe it could be. I've come to the conclusion that ending my life is not the solution to my problems. When you're going through a storm, keep going. If it looks like you're life is going down the tubes, fight with all you have to keep your head above water. What your life becomes depends upon you. Listen to your heart beat.
      You may lose every possession that you have, I came close to it. I know what you are going through. I've been there. I walked through most of the really bad times by myself. If God does exist, I didn't hear from him, and I still haven't. My faith in my fellow man is zero. I don't trust anyone. I hate my life. I didn't deserve to have my life ruined by greedy people. I could end it at any moment, but who would benefit, the worms? I struggle every day to get up out of bed and get moving. You will too. But get moving we must. Life is what we make of it.
      Losing your job, your life, your wife or husband, or your house is just like losing a loved one. You pour your soul into it. You cherish it and love the time you spend there with them. You mourn the loss of them just as much as if they had died. But you decide when to stop mourning and get on with your life.
      You decide how your story will be written. You decide what words will go on every page. Start a new chapter. Get off the couch and get on with your life!!!
                 Chapter 4                     

 The Benefits of 
Getting Off of the Couch

      Okay. So now you're mad at me for making you strain your lazy buns getting off of the couch. Good for you. You just lost forty calories getting mad at me. Three thousand two hundred and sixty more and you've lost one whole pound of flab off of your rear end.
      You might not be fat. You might not be overweight. You just might have a heart attack changing the channel. When I lost my driving contract delivering trucks of all kinds all over the United States in 2009, I weighed around 370 lbs. Yes, that's three hundred and seventy pounds. I now weigh around two hundred eighty. When Spring finally gets here, I will start walking for distances again. Yes, on purpose. This chapter deals with the reality that your life might be a long life. I don't want you to spend any more time sitting or laying around than you have to. There are things that need fixing in this country and they are not going to get fixed with you lazy bums sitting on your assets!! So put on your clothes, now your shoes, and put one foot in front of the other. I am going to help you get your mind and body back into shape one step at a time.
First, set a goal of losing say thirty pounds in the next five months. That's being realistic. Step on the scales naked. Now take a good long scary look at all of that flab hanging down on your body. Five months from now you will be glad you read this book. As you lose ten pounds buy a copy for a friend of yours. Heck, buy several copies and give them to your lazy friends and family. As they see your fat fall off and your flab shrinks, they will become jealous of your finely toned rear end and you thinning waistline. Now, isn't that what exercise and living good is all about. Do you really think that people would exercise for the health benefits if they still looked ugly months after they started? People that exercise don't do it for the health benefits, trust me. Fat people like you and me walk at our own pace to lose weight. When the belt and pants are looser than they were last month, you feel good tightening them another notch. Since September of 2009, I have had to make new notches in my belts. I have shrunk from a forty eight waist down to a forty waist. I have bought at least two pairs of blue jeans that are size 38 and 36 in anticipation of my future weight losses. I plan to lose thirty to forty more pounds this year and keep it off over the winter.
      Now, I'm not a doctor, and I don't play one on television. I can only tell you what worked for me. What will work for you will be a little to a lot different. Realize that you are out of shape.   Start out slow. Walk don't run. It took your body years of neglect to get into the shape that you are in. It will take time to get back in shape. Be patient with yourself.
      Food: Cut down. Cut back on fast food. Cut back on pops, soda, soft drinks, and even Diet drinks. They all add weight to your body. I've been there. I know. I drink teas of every kind: herbal teas, black teas, green teas, teas with and without lemon. I don't drink coffee. There is too much temptation to add cream or sugar to your coffee. You might as well drink sugar water. Cut back on snacks, especially the sugar filled ones. You know what I mean. I still eat doughnuts and cookies every now and then but I walk them off in two to three days after I reward myself. I hardly ever eat pastries, pastas, white bread, candies, cookies, soda, or fast food. I cut waaaaaay back on Pork. Pork is cheaper than Beef, but usually has more fat and more salt. Salt makes your body retain water. Chicken without skin or sauces including gravy is very good in helping you lose weight. Tuna salad is good as well in helping you lose weight.      Gradually cut down on your snacking and meals. Eat smaller meals three to four times a day rather than one big meal. Get a good nights' rest. The weight will begin to fall off of you little by little. Weigh yourself once or twice a week. The long term goal is what you need to focus on.
      My first thirty pound weight loss kit:
1. Multi Vitamins any brand. Take one every day.
2. Chromium Picolonate. Take two a day.
3. DHEA. Take two to three a day.

Step one: Proper attitude. I am going to lose weight, no matter what any else says.
Step Two: Proper clothes. Start with what you have.
Step three: Proper shoes. Comfortable cheap tennis shoes will do for a start.
Step Four: Get dressed.
Step Five: Take your keys and your personal identification. Don't plan to buy
anything. You don't need water or anything else but what I have told
you to take with you.
Step Six: Go outside, close the door behind you.
Step Seven: Day One: Walk one block and turn around and walk back.
Step Eight: Days Two through Six: Repeat steps one through seven but ADD
one block per day each way to your walk. Take your time. Let your body adjust to the growing demand on your muscles and body systems.
Step Nine: Take the seventh day off to allow your body to recharge and unwind.
Step Ten: If you are not yet there, walk fifteen minutes today, ADD five
minutes each day for days eight through thirteen.
Every six days of walking take a day off to allow your body to unwind. If you miss a day, don't beat yourself up over it. Walk tomorrow. Don't make excuses as to why you can't walk at least fifteen minutes a day.
      Don't run if you are overweight. The possibility of injuring yourself increases with the excess weight impacting on the ground. Don't run stairs either. I want you to slowly lose weight without hurting yourself. Nothing will cause you to gain weight faster than hurting yourself while trying to lose weight. Take your time. If you can't walk a block a day each way, walk half a block each way. If you are extremely overweight, walk only a hundred feet each way, about thirty five steps.
      Then- Add ten steps each way every day. Gradually build up to that half a block if you need to. Your muscles will adjust and strengthen a little more every day.
Pay no attention to what anyone else says. Listen to your body.
I started walking around my block. The first day I only walked one half of a block each way. I added a quarter of a block each day. By the end of the month I was walking three blocks each way every day. By the end of two months I was walking a mile a day. By the end of three months I was walking a mile and a half three to four times a week. You can do this. I believe in you.
Safety Tip:
People think that running will help you lose weight faster, it doesn't. The possibility of hurting yourself is greater running than walking. Take your time, let you body adjust to moving around a little more every day.
Give your body time to adjust to the decreased amount of junk that you are feeding it. Increase the amount of vegetables, fresh fruit, and fresh vegetables that you eat. Cut out most of the junk food. Drink more water to flush out the impurities and fat from your body.
      It has been a year and seven months since I started losing weight. I gained back fifteen pounds during our long cold winter here in Ohio. But that's okay. I used to gain thirty to forty pounds during the “fat years.”
Don't get mad at yourself. Losing weight takes time. If you gain a little weight, keep going. You may lose a few weekly battles, but I promise you from the bottom of my tight buns, YOU TOO WILL LOSE THE WEIGHT THAT YOU WANT TO LOSE!!!
Diets don't work. If you are on a diet, stop. The only thing that will help you to lose weight and keep it off is a slow and gradual lifestyle change.
Losing a little weight, even two pounds, will change how you feel about yourself. Every week buy less junk food. Replace that junk food with fresh fruit and fresh vegetables.
Before you shove that piece of junk food in your mouth, take a moment to think, “Do I really want this stuck to my body for the next week?” If you don't, put it down. If you don't buy it, it's not there for you to eat it. My grocery bill also lost weight. I used to spend over four hundred dollars a month on food at truck stops and another hundred on the weekends every month. That is over five hundred a moth just for my food.
      I now spend less than one hundred dollars a month and I eat very well. I just cut out most of the fast food and most of the junk food that I buy. I don't need it anymore to make me feel better about myself.
      Keep a chart of how far you walk every day and every week. Your goal should be to walk at least a little farther every week than you did the previous week.
My Walking Chart
Today I Walked This Far:
Day One ___________
Day Two ___________
Day Three _________
Day Four __________
Day Five __________
Day Six ___________
Day Seven – Rest
Day Eight _________
Day Nine __________
Day Ten ___________
Day Eleven ________
Day Twelve ________
Day Thirteen _______
Day Fourteen- Rest
Day Fifteen ________
Day Sixteen ________
Day Seventeen _______
Day Eighteen ________
Day Nineteen ________
Day Twenty __________
Day Twenty One – Rest
Day Twenty Two ______
Day Twenty Three ________
Day Twenty Four _________
Day Twenty Five __________
Day Twenty Six ___________
Day Twenty Seven _________
Day Twenty Eight – Rest
Day Twenty Nine __________
Day Thirty _______________
Day Thirty One ___________
Rinse and REPEAT.
      Take your time. Enjoy the freedom of walking.
      This year I feel so good about keeping my winter weight gain down to fifteen pounds that I have decided to walk 5k charity walks and gradually work up to 10 k walks. I still have quite a ways to go to meet my goals, but steady as she goes. One step at a time.
      I recently walked 8.8 miles mostly uphill in preparation for a local 5k walk. It was wet and rainy on the event day and never got above fifty degrees. I did not walk in that event. I
felt bad about it only because I had prepared myself mentally. But I was glad that I knew that I could walk that far if I had wanted to. A 5k walk is around 3 and 1/10th miles and a 10k walk is obviously double that distance – 6 and 2/10ths miles. My 5k time was forty five minutes walking uphill. I am not going for speed; I'm going for distance and endurance. The turtle wins the race. Don't get discouraged. There will be banner weeks and bad weeks. Don't let the weather get you down.
      Stay safe. When you are walking in the country or on any road walk facing oncoming traffic. Wear light colored clothing so they can see you. Be aware of what is going on around you. Stretch out before and after a walk over half a mile. If you feel pain take a slow warm shower and slowly stretch out again.
      Be patient. Change takes time. By following this plan you will gradually lose weight and keep it off. If you start to gain weight again, start walking again.
      Take a look in the mirror. Are you happy with the way that you look? Are you happy with how much you weigh? Take the weight off slowly and safely by walking your buns off.    When you run out of belt notches to tighten your belt, punch two new holes in it. I have made four new holes in my belt since I bought it. This year I plan to make at least three more punch holes in it. 

Chapter 5
Dealing With Reality Over The Long Haul

      This is my final chapter in this book. I could pad it more, but it wouldn't help. If you've decided that your life won't get any better by now, wait until next week to kill yourself. Life goes on with you or without you, you decide.       Your life isn't as bad as you think. At least you're not in prison. Maybe you are. But how long you stay in prison depends entirely upon you. Your life will continue to suck only as long as you wallow in the mess that your life has become. When you decide to get off of the couch and get on with your life, you life will improve. Get outside, get involved with other people. Talk to strangers. Talk to your family. Let them know what they mean to you. Share your feelings with them. Volunteer your time and services to help someone else out. Go to your local library and check out some books.     There is life outside of your living room.
Psychologists have many ideas about what they think you are going through, but they don't know the half of it. Life is tough. Only those that keep going make it through. Remember the Donner Party? Some of those that stay behind and wait for better weather get eaten. Don't stay behind, keep moving. Even if you only apply for one job a day, get your resume out there. Check those job websites every day. Check into going back to school.
      Sitting in front of your television set is not living, it's existing. The difference is you can't make a difference in your life or anyone else's life sitting on your buns!!! So, get off of it. Get on with your life. You have my permission to cuss me out if it doesn't turn out the way you want it to. I'll take the credit and the blame for getting you off of your iceberg.
      Now get moving. It doesn't matter what choice you make, just get out the door and do something that will make your life a little better every day. Be careful. You just might start enjoying yourself. You might start liking yourself again. Look in the mirror, your best friend in the world is staring back at you. You need to realize that the only person that you can depend on is yourself. Life is hard. Stick to it.    Develop a plan of how you want your life to play out from here on. Take step in that direction, and keep focused on your goal. Help others along the way. Be kind to strangers. Be nice to yourself, your friends, and your family.
      When I started writing this book, I thought my life had ended, or was going to end soon. I was depressed, lonely, bored, horny, hungry for love, angry, frustrated, and pissed off at
the world and every one in it and on it. Now, I'm ready to move on. I have a plan for my life. It includes helping as many people as I can make their lives better. Maybe you're not as generous as I am. That's OK. Neanderthals survive too.      There's a reason why the toes on your feet point forward. Move where they are pointing. Set a short term goal. Take a step towards that goal EVERY DAY, even if you don't feel like it. You can't win at the game of life if you don't play. Get Off The Bench and Get in There and Play Your Heart Out!
- The End -
      P.S. I hope this book has helped you. It's short because life is short. If I kept writing it, I would miss out on what's coming next. Life goes on. The weather of your life will change. The measure of a person's life is how many other lives they have helped along the way. Remember to give the lessons that I have shared with you. Thank you for listening. - Mark Winkle, Author

      If this book has helped you, please write me at:  I take pleasure in hearing from my readers. I also take cash, checks, money orders, and gifts. But only if this book has really helped you.
Mark Winkle
736 E. High Street Apt. 5
Springfield, Ohio 45505

Feel free to email this book around the world.  

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